Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
😅🤣😂
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.