I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
and now we wait
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My wife gives the best headache.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.