Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Try and stop me.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*