Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
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This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter