Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

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I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined


Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?


If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”


*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-


Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.


Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.


so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset


Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720


I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here