@fro_vo

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

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@mattZillaaaa

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

@josh___grant

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

@WheelTod

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

@SirEviscerate

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

@tjcirimele

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

@MaraWilson

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

@clichedout

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

@BobbyBucchae

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

@pro_worrier_

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here