Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
This is my cat’s medicine.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Software Development ⛵️
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like