I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
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AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*