Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.