PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
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*Inspirational Tweets*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”