Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
πββ¬ππ€
You Might Also Like
Apparently saying βAlexa: skipβ during my wifeβs story is rude
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” π
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking βdo you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?β and forcing you to click βabandonβ like sorry Iβm not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
cruella devilleβs mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said βi am going to wear robbersβ
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, βPut your shoes on, dammit!β So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and theyβll tell you their whole life story.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Whoever said βThere is nothing as precious as a childβs laughterβ obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
βI told Stu that heβd had too much to drink,β said one of the four, asking not to be identified, βhe had no business being behind the wheel.β
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.