Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
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Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense