[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-