Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Woke up against my better judgement again
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Are we there yet?…
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.