Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.


Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows


A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.


Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.


i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.


My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches


“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds


A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.