@peterjames48

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

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@HlaoRoo

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

@OzKamal

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

@PaulyPeligroso

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

@Cornjerker78

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@RiotGrlErin

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

@ColoradoUgly

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

@JoleenDoreen

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.