Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
when someone compliments me
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home