wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
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People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Still my favourite meme.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now