You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
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Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”