You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
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Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.