my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Bear knowledge
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
liiiiiiiiike
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.