My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?