[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
It’s a gift
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
The internet is magic sometimes.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home