Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.