Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
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God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
oh my god
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy