the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.