My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
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I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
🙄😏😂🤣
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.