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become ungovernable
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Your baby isn鈥檛 48 months ffs…he鈥檚 4 years old.
I don鈥檛 go around saying I鈥檓 one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what鈥檚 the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Yo. I spit out my drink 馃槀
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
#Caturday
PER MY LAST EMAIL
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED