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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
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Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead