If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
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driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.