Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
You Might Also Like
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.