Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.