Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Introverted vegans go meetless
thinking about a very short hotdog
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”