Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.