my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
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Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.