Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever