DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.