I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.