Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
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Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.