“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.