@SardonicTart

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

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@MadHatterMommy

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

@HeyoShellz

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

@BuckyIsotope

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

@darksidedeb

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

@xLiserx

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

@pjayevans

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

@PleaseBeGneiss

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

@mommajessiec

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.