guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.