Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
You Might Also Like
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is