Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night