Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
never forget
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.