My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
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Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.