my name is luke but my friends dont call me
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Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
stop
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”