Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
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What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[montage of me giving-up]
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014