WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket