[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Need WebMD
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so