One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
For anyone who needs this today
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast