Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.