One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Stop it! 😂
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.