“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
#oldknees
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The government even made aliens boring
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
fourth time’s the charm
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”