Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I need this for my side hustle.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.