We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I don’t make the rules sorry
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
181.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
You are not alone 💚
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”